OK, confession time. How many of you have entered a relationship in the hope it’ll work out? Or stayed in one far longer than you know you should’ve done? You know, when you wait til the point in the relationship where you fantasise about stabbing him in the eye with your curling iron, or “accidently” spilling a cup of tea over his balls… And you have these thoughts more than once a day… And you’ve only been seeing each other for a year! Come on, hands up. We’re all friends here, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! And you’re certainly not alone.
This morning I touched base with an awesome woman who’d finished my 12 week dating program a couple of months ago. We had a great chat about her new guy and love and life in general. And then she asked if I’d talk to her friend who always seemed to be in relationships which she knew sucked, but waited until they got unbearable before leaving.
I only work with amazing women who really want to make changes; I don’t have time for anyone who won’t apply what they learn from me. So after qualifying **fake name alert** Suzie and suggesting the appropriate program to best serve her, we started chatting about her current strategy around relationships.
Suzie is in a pattern which I see all too often with my clients. Frankly, her desire to be in a relationship outweighs all logical thinking (she’s a smart, successful chick) and this is compounded by not being really clear about what she actually wants from a relationship other than not to be alone.
My programs have many components to them to ensure dating success, but they all start with getting really clear on the qualities my client wants in a partner. These range from physical appearance to career, hobbies, religion, relationship with family… The List goes on. You can’t get clear enough! Some of The List will be flexible. For example, I’m exceptionally short (hey, my Mum told me good things come in small packages and I believe everything my Mum says…. Although she also spent years telling me Santa Claus was real…) so height for me has never been a deal breaker for me. But Suzie is almost 6 foot so height might be an important factor for her.
Often there’ll be contradictions in The List. Suzie may want a well-manicured man who wears suits, but also wants him to work outside. In these cases, we work together to work out what the suit symbolises… Is it wealth; or self-respect; or does him working outside translate that he likes getting out of the city at weekends?
Once we are clear on which bits of The List aren’t to be compromised on, there are no dates with anyone who doesn’t meet the values of The List.
And this is where it’s important for Suzie to be in the kind of relationship with herself where she values herself enough NOT to be tempted to date inappropriate Tinder-Trevor just because she needs a plus 1 for Caz and Daz’s wedding in a couple of weeks.
Dating Tinder-Trevor only tells the universe she doesn’t think she’s good enough for the real deal. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard… “But what if he’s the best out there?” I’d be richer than Oprah. Compromise leads to compromise… And not the good kind. It also isn’t fair on Tinder-Trevor. If you don’t adore every fibre of his being your stringing him along and you’re both worth more than that.
We all, men and women alike, have a duty to be kind and considerate to our fellow humans and also to ourselves. False promises, even the ones we make to ourselves, only lead to broken hearts and disappointment. I believe we deserve better than that. We all deserve that kind of love which compromises nothing other than who’s going to be the designated driver for the evening. And I can’t wait to watch Suzie find it through the program which has already been succeed for so many women before her.
If you’d like to know more about the methods I’m using with Suzie, or how I can help you, get in touch today.